Posted by: dianaiannarone | May 27, 2014

What is Your Price?

What is your price

Eventually we all learn that the path to healing begins with boundaries. We begin to realize we must be willing to consider ourselves, to protect ourselves, to love ourselves, if we truly want to be free. As grown ups, we have options, but we may have to resource the deepest parts of ourselves to remember that we do. The longer we have experienced oppression, the more challenged we may be to remember that other options exist; that there is a path, no matter how arduous, to begin to experience a joyful place. Creating our life on our terms takes great courage and wisdom.

Each of us has this power within us. We must start by honoring ourselves.

We all have some boundaries in the present moment; lines we believe we won’t cross, things we believe we won’t do. The question becomes, how devoted to those boundaries are we? Would we allow those boundaries to be violated for love, even if we could stop it?  Even if we could say NO?  Would we sacrifice our soul for love? And if we would, do we really devotedly love ourselves?

When someone wants to manipulate us, they listen carefully to where our boundaries are.They observe us, our patterns, like any predator observes its prey. They listen to our wants, they listen to our dreams, they hear and observe what matters most to us. And then they promise us that dream. A future that contains all that and more. They pretend that they will honor the boundaries we presently have. They pretend that they value us and our devotion to being the good person we are at our core.  They tell us this part of our nature, our goodness, is what they love about us.

We believe them.

Then as the relationship commences and deepens, they test us. They want to know precisely where our lines are for acceptable violations. In the beginning it might be simple things, like where to go for dinner, or will you pay this bill, will you change your commitments, will you prove to them that they are the priority. Will you deny yourself for them? And each time we decide to let our boundaries be violated…we begin to become more and more powerless. More and more under their control. More and more deluded and removed from our sense of reality, unable to recall our rights. We become entranced. Like a hypnotized being, we eventually will lose all our power and may feel we will never have the strength to reclaim it, should we ever remember it exists.

They know when we make that first decision to let our NO, become a yes, that it is just the beginning. They know that over time they will push us further and further away from ourselves. They know they can diminish us. We taught them we would allow it. This is not about compromise, we all make compromises at times. No, this is about sacrifice. This is about tolerating, what is truly intolerable. Allowing repeated harm and not walking away.
Of course, they don’t reveal this unconscionable behavior of pushing our limitation in blatant ways at first, no, it is essential that the hook be set deeply first. They have to penetrate deep inside of us, and latch on there. It is imperative that we fall in “love” so deeply that, well, we would do almost anything for them, anything.

With a narcissist, we feel like the chosen one. They show us a love so beautiful we think, how did this love get so denied in their past? They are beautiful to the core, they have been so victimized in love. All they wish to do, so they tell us, is honor and love someone and receive that gift in return. You see, their need, more than to control, is to be validated, built up, worshipped actually…so they give us the illusion of love; enough to garner that kind of devotion from us. Their needs are met, no, exceeded. And for now, so are ours, and the boundary crossing unconsciously deepens.

With a sociopath, all they live for is control. There is nothing more important, it is that simple. They need nothing else from us, although we of course believed they just longed for someone to care, to love, and to not betray them.  They have been so betrayed in the past.

All manipulators have the honeymoon phase. All manipulators want control. If you saw the truth in the beginning, you would never engage with them. The lines for manipulators are vast. The characteristics cannot be easily defined in a black and white rendition so you can neatly put them in a box, give them a definitive label. But when you know the signs, when you remember to honor yourself, you are safer in the world.

When you look back, you know that if you were truly observing, you would have seen that you were often being violated. You would see the subtle and later not so subtle ways they tried to control you, to get you to do for them, to get you to give to them beyond your comfort, whether that was your time, your body, your money…they wanted you to lose yourself in them. When you honor yourself, they contort your actions to lead you to believe you violated them, you betrayed them, how can they love you now? The sociopath controls you in this manner. You unconsciously decide you will behave better next time. You will be better, do better. Act in a manner acceptable to them. The narc discards you for it. How dare you be important? How dare you be the priority? They have no use for you now.

Regardless of labels, manipulators just want what they want, and we are nothing more than the object to provide it. In spite of all the evidence that they have presented to the contrary, we are not in the equation, except for our ability to sustain them.

No matter who the manipulator is they use guilt and shame to get us to bend and move our boundaries. “If you loved me you would…pay that bill, get me out of that jam, let me do this to you sexually. If you loved me, you would trust me, not see your friends, not tell anyone about our intimacies”…and so on, and so on.

The sociopath plans on never letting go, not because they love you, but because they want to control you. If you end the relationship, if you pull away, they become the lover you always wished they would be, not because of love, but because they need to reset the hook in you. If the hook cannot be reset, if it doesn’t work, their evil will become purely visible. They escalate, they create lies about you…they want  to destroy you. You do not have their permission to be free.

A narcissist, will love you until they are done with you, and when they are, they will have zero understanding as to why you just can’t let them go. It is over, so what is your problem? They just want you to disappear. Go away…knowing and counting their ability to bring you back in whenever they desire to do so.  As they get ready for the discard…they manipulate us into crossing our limits-passing our boundaries, even more than we already have. They do this for leverage. They want us to fear being shamed. We fear their power to reveal to others the manner in which we crossed our boundaries. They want us to fall silent so they can go to the other unsuspecting soon-to-be victims in their inventory and get that validation and “love” again. They want to capture new prey, so that they can again be told how wonderful they are…they are the master.

Each time our boundaries are crossed, we satisfy their every desire they have had. We feel abused, diminished, ashamed, and they have zero accountability. They will never own the suffering they have inflicted, unless in a single moment it serves them to pretend they do. When we awaken and decide the shame is theirs and not ours we begin to change the world.

Do not hide yourself in shame. Prepare yourself to stand and place the shame on the perpetrator, the one who deserves to bear it. They will never accept that shame, but you can know in your heart it is theirs. Whether you do this figuratively by literally seeing an image of you casting the shame upon them because it is the best you can do right now, or you do so physically by making the stand for yourself in whatever situation you find yourself to be in, remember your worth.

I know that as we all awaken we will shine the light on this pervasive evil—thereby diminishing their power. They have no power if we choose to never give ours away. We must protect ourselves. We must honor ourselves, and when we do, these individuals will know, we are not for sale. We are priceless.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

The thoughts in this blog are my opinion. I am neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. To learn more about my work go to http://www.standingup.us

 

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Posted in Abuse, Antisocial Personality Disorder, fear, Finding Peace, Freedom, Living Free, Love, Narcissism, Relationships, Self-esteem, sociopathy, spirituality | Tags: , , , , ,

Posted by: dianaiannarone | January 25, 2014

A Very Detailed Look at the Distinguishing Differences Between a Sociopath and a Narcissist; from My Perspective

Although I am not a clinician, I feel comfortable saying that I have a high degree of expertise in understanding the behaviors and patterns of sociopathy,  I garnered my knowledge by foolishly choosing continual suffering under sociopaths’ “rule” for more than 15 years.  These choices were made in all walks of life, my personal relationships, my business partnerships, and worst of all…BOTH.  Surely being in such a single relationship for 15 years, and experiencing the lasting impact of such insidious behavior would give anyone wisdom and cause great despair. Yet in some ways, I look upon my experience covering multiple sociopathic relationships in that time frame with gratitude, because what I am clear on is that I was able to learn that the patterns of each of these sociopathic individuals differ very little. This awareness can be quite empowering. Knowing their calculating mind grants us, at varying levels, power over their “games” and a clearer escape route when we realize that leaving is the only correct option. This I know.  I specialize in helping people out of these relationships, because it is what I know and what I must do!

Upon finally obtaining the knowledge of traits, patterns, and deviant behaviors—the many red flags—I was granted a keen clarity as I moved past that life. This awareness is what gave me the ability to steer clear of sociopaths over the last seven years…and steer clear still yet today. I spot them with relative ease…and sure it is always conceivable that I could be wrong at times in my somewhat quick assessments, but I spend little time pondering that. Rather, I choose to only surround myself in love and anything in contrast to that can be easily released. That decision to surround myself in only Love is what led to my next awakening.  The awakening was to understanding the vastly different, although in some ways remotely the same, strategies of the narcissist.

I have now come to realize that I sort of grouped sociopathy and narcissism in the same category, to my huge detriment. It is when we are blind to any truth that we can be bitten by it. Now I assuredly and with conviction include narcissism in my repertoire of knowledge. It is the fact that the elements of behavior are a distinctively different modus operandi, that caused me to almost miss the reality of the trap I was poised to enter.

Any of us can conclude that engaging with those with no conscience is unbearable…yet the element of surprise in the entanglement with a narcissist might feel even more readily unrecoverable, once you are destroyed by it; as if any annihilation could be measured as “worse.”  This avoidable pain is why we must educate and help people see the truth and signs of all these unconscionable beings, regardless of what label might be suitable. I choose to make increasing awareness of the prevalence of these individuals part of my life purpose, thereby giving meaning to my previous suffering and reward for my past pain.

Granted, there certainly is overlap of characteristics in these dark shadow dwellers…but from my perspective the game is played quite differently between a sociopath and a narcissist, which is how I managed to be partly deceived again this last year.  This time, thankfully, my past experiences made me aware and observant and allowed me to acknowledge in my mind and heart the possibility that all that was being shown to me was, well, just a lie. THIS awareness makes it much less painful, but painful nonetheless. Because of my willingness to acknowledge that someone could betray at such a depth, I was released from the debilitating destruction that I would have otherwise known. Yet encountering that experience, gave me insight into a new level of pain caused by the sudden and complete disregard that I understand now is pure narcissism.

The variance in strategy between these two harmful beings is measurable and can catch you a bit off guard if you don’t consider the stark difference.

Similarities between Sociopaths and Narcissists in my experience

  • The claim they have never been loved like this before.
  • They often state that no one has ever understood them as you do.
  • They desire to move quickly, (marriage, live together, children) and claim a once-in-a-lifetime love. Of course they must move quickly so they trap you, before you see the truth!
  • They talk about Soul mates, spiritual connection, twin flames, and many lifetimes together.
  • They claim they have been victimized/betrayed/crucified by those they loved and trusted. They long to find their path again, or for the first time.
  • They both strive to isolate you.
  • They both lie to accomplish whatever their goal is in the moment.
  • There is a mystique or aura of attraction—a charisma (at least to those that are asleep, once awake, that feeling is more like nausea).

Similarities; with a subtle and critical difference

  • Devoted claims of Love, a forever mentality, a honeymoon phase.

The sociopath though, loves intermittently. You get doused in it…then you see some anger and hate, then you get doused in love again, and then you see anger and hate and so on. You keep believing in the relationship because when you are doused in the love it feels so good that you keep trying to behave better so you can get that love back. Part of that behavior is not seeing and doing things that upset him. Often the most paramount thing that creates issues is the intensity of his/her jealousy so you feel forced to isolate from everyone to avoid his/her wrath.

The narcissist “loves” so amazingly, that you almost are no longer grounded in reality…at all.  It is like you are in a state of Euphoria…surreal…a love beyond earthly possibilities and you never want to lose it, so you are 100% devoted and will even isolate yourself with little effort on his/her part. You want more of the beautiful, never before feeling of being loved, even though it is only an illusion.

  • They are both bullies. The narcissist is more subtle in his/her bullying technique. The sociopath bullies by often diminishing and controlling you. The narcissists’ bullying is often held until you question or push back on “his/her majesty.” The sociopath has a better awareness of his/her deviance and cruelty.  The narcissist, has awareness, but cannot accept it, because to accept it would mean he would have to acknowledge he was not the pure goodness, god-like being he chooses to believe he/she is.
  • Whatever went wrong is ultimately our fault, although this is presented quite differently with a sociopath vs. a narcissist. They both blame. The sociopaths’ blame is wrapped in the idea, that you are a bad person, that you have bad intentions. The narcissists’ is more about insisting you failed to love them as devotedly as they love you, leaving you with the impression that you can fix this.
  • They both objectify you, one for control,  the other for attention/supply. Realizing this means that neither one, no matter what you may see or feel to the contrary, have the slightest consideration that you are a human, with true feelings and emotions.

For a sociopath:  You are simply an object that they wish to manipulate and control.

For a narcissist: You are simply an object to provide their source of love and adoration, which is defined by stroking their ego to continually, perpetually, reinforce their god-like image. It is almost a worship, and they make themselves seem worthy of it.

  • They both criticize you, one to make you small, the other to “help guide you.”

A sociopath is more overt than the narcissist, they talk about the devoted love and wanting the two of you nestled in a “cocoon of love,” but they are less like a god and more like a victim…”but I have been so harmed by people that were supposed to love me” and you feel you want to heal them and make them whole. You want to behave so as not to betray them. They speak of betrayal by all those before you…so you are devoted to absolute loyalty, on a tightrope to never betray them.

A narcissist is more covert: They present themselves to model the behavior they want to receive from you. They reflect a certain level of “nobility,” “sacred love,” a sense that they long for that dream love they have always wanted, that they have given but never received. You are set up to feel you must aspire to that level of pure Love…devoted of course to them, as they claim he/she will be to you. He/she speaks of being misunderstood, always doing good, yet crucified nonetheless, much like Christ. He/she doesn’t understand why people turn on him/her, genuinely, they don’t understand.  They do not accept the truth about themselves.

Illustration of the Subtle Differences from My Perspective

Sociopath vs. Narcissist

Sociopath says: “It is all your fault because if you didn’t do that, I would not have done this…”

You are saying to yourself, what just happened? I didn’t do anything wrong.  Why is he telling me I did?  You are clear you didn’t do anything wrong, but you feel the need to not hurt him again, betray him, so you rein in your behavior. You are focused on not harming him.

He/she says this so you will behave better next time—you will be more careful not to hurt him, make him jealous, say something wrong, you will act better, behave, so you will not hurt him, like so many before you have.

You are now being controlled.

So in essence a sociopath shames you—you are a bad person (tramp, slut, whore, liar, thief) and then you feel guilty and begin to doubt yourself. Wow, am I that? Behavior you always thought was okay, suddenly makes you feel dirty or bad, and so you change your behavior. You think, if he just needs me to rein in this so he can feel more secure, then I should.  He/she will love me, once they know I would never hurt them.

So with a sociopath you are trying to get them to see you as the good person you are. You try and prove you are not the slut, tramp, liar he/she says you are.

Yet, you never will.

Narcissist: They are more subtle, a sort of, “I told you it would hurt me if you did this, and now you have done this…such pain you cause me.”

You are saying, “Wow, he/she did tell me that these were things he didn’t want me to do, and I guess I did kind of do that…wow I feel so bad.” The narcissist is a little better at positioning things so that the guilt/shame he puts on you seems more real…like there is just enough truth in it, based on how he set things up. Like if you heed his/her guidance you will somehow be a better person. You are focused on Loving him as he describes he deserves.

He/she says things in this manner so you will love them more completely, more fully devote yourself to them…it is about getting more love from you, more strokes to his/her fragile ego—as this is not surprising since it is, of course, all about him/her.

So in essence a narcissist guilts you—presents to you the opportunity for growth. He claims that you didn’t love him the way a person that loves him should.  This is especially true if you question or push back on him/her.  He/she will say things like “and she says she knows me” or “how could you think this of me? Big problem if you believe this of me!” As a result you feel shame and you try harder to love him more devotedly; you know, as well as he loves you. And he does love you well…it just isn’t real.

So with a narcissist, you are trying to love him as he/she deserves/requires to be loved, so that you will be worthy of him/her staying with you, so you will continue to be the chosen one and therefore receive his/her devoted love.

The distinction is this:

With a sociopath:  You failed to be a good person.

With a narcissist: You failed to love him/her like they deserve/require.

The Sociopath is constantly reaching out, touching base claiming they are missing you, desiring you…loving you, especially in your absence. They want to see you receive this well because then they know they can delude you. They pursue you hard and long. They are relentless.

What they are really doing is hunting you and assessing your whereabouts so they know what you are doing, who you are with—it’s all about control. You feel loved by all the devoted attention, you feel you must be really important…you do not see it as stalking, you see it as loving attention.

A sociopath chooses you and then hooks you, and he knows you are hooked when he can control you…financially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally etc.

The Narcissist may frequently reach out…yet it is sometimes only at first, although this is not always the case. They want to see who will devote themselves to them…make them the center of their world, so they invite you to call, reach out. They tell you how important and happy it makes them feel when you do show them love, attention, value their work or efforts and when we comply as the devoted supporter, they tell us how beautiful we are, how they are so lucky to have found us, that we are the most important person in their life, their priority, and away we go to our destruction. They are better than any other at responding to you, and mimicking what you need, want, desire…the perfect person…whose persona is nothing more than whatever it has to be to get your devoted love, praise, adoration—Supply. They want to be pursued, admired, ideally—worshipped.

What they are really doing is seeing if you will turn all your attention on them., At an unconscious level they believe they need your air being breathed into them to survive.  They experience a sense of being nothing without your supply.

A narcissist chooses you based on how you respond to them, how you love them, how much you stroke their ego and make them feel like they are bigger than life, important, talented; that is their fuel.

Very Important Distinctive Difference in Behaviors

Sociopath: The mask slips rather frequently on a sociopath. Their evil is more present, more visible and yet we excuse it away. We see their acts of cruelty, their violent/aggressive/critical words/ and actions…but they manage to control us and convince us that what they just did was just a result of their troubled childhood, they want to be better, they will be better, because we are worth it. They wouldn’t have done such cruel things if we hadn’t said or done whatever we did.  Then they will blame, yell, scream, diminish, insult, call us names…but then they ask for our empathy, which is both our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. They will ask us to understand that their wound is so deep because of their past and so we forgive. Of course we still believe we are to blame, we will have to behave better next time, so as not to hurt and upset them so much. It is the least we can do for their poor hurting souls.

This is a huge distinction because, this is what should have been our red flag. This is where the obvious warning rests…and if we heeded it we would save ourselves. If we simply asked ourselves if we would do what we witnessed them do, we might realize and label their behavior as cruel, and begin to decide we need to get out.

Later, when we are out and awake, we can see this and say…we should have known better.  Remember though both narcissists and sociopaths use their “charm” to charm us under their spell.  We want to believe in them, and they want it that way.

There is an expression by Dolly Parton  “The first time someone shows you their true colors, believe them.”  From this day forward…

Narcissist:  Because they want you to pursue them, they are extraordinary at making us  feel devotedly and consistently loved. They do this for one reason; so they can get their supply.  Uniquely then, their mask does not slip as much as a sociopath’s. They only want someone that will give them everything they need, so they present a nearly flawless, love-filled being to you. So, they don’t hunt, as much as choose.  They choose you, and you feel chosen, a sense of being the “lucky one.”  They lure you in, but then observe just how devoted to them you will be. If you don’t come through, they try and spur you on, but if nothing satisfies them, then they move to the next person in waiting, without much warning to you.  There are shifts, if you know what to look for, like shorter and less frequent contacts, less pouring on of love…this is their trolling phase where they ignite those in the wings to come to the center.

While you are coming through for them with your devotion to their level of expectation or beyond, wow, you will get the illusion of love, honor and support of a lifetime…for awhile anyway. Until the discard. You will see little drops in the mask, a sort of hot and cold behavior if you push back or question them.  If you continue to disagree with them,  you will soon be gone. Ultimately, the discard occurs because it is impossible for anyone to satisfy the unquenchable need for love, attention and adoration these empty, seemingly soulless individuals require. Imagine you are breathing into a balloon that is the size of our planet, and imagine incessantly blowing the air into it, to fill it…and when you attempt to gather your breath and strength to continue your devoted desire to give all you have…they are already gone, disgusted by your pause…it happens before you know what happened. The mask begins to slip when they are ready for the discard, and often not before, aside from glimpses if you push back or question. That sudden death, is the part that is so impossible to grasp…ON…OFF.  Period. Very little warning, it is just done. This is the part that is so difficult to comprehend and causes the horrible experience of cognitive dissonance.  What did I do wrong?  He/she Loved me so devotedly?  Suddenly, you are dead to them, as long as they have another fulfilling source; although, they will attempt to keep you in the wings….they realize they might need you, their OBJECT and source, soon. When they contact you, they expect you to be ready to restore all your love to them.

The Termination from My Perspective

The nature of the “ending”  is a significant important difference.

Sociopath:  This relationship is over on his/her terms.  And if you ever try and end it they will try everything to stop you…everything; charm, violence, deceit, crime, set-ups, threaten their suicide, threaten your death, revealing your secrets…you name it.  He/she MUST have someone to control and if you leave on your terms, then they FAILED, LOST…that cannot happen.  Sociopaths are in some ways more evil…because their intention from the beginning was to harm, control, WIN. That is the part that makes sociopathy harder to grasp.  How can someone be so cruel?

It is this refusal to release that is so shocking and unbearable. You want to get free and you can’t. They keep finding new ways to trap you, guilt you, shame you…overpower you.  No limits on what they will do to keep you.  And as long as they feel in control…it is all good—for them.

The sociopath fades away when he is clear he no longer controls you.  Once you take your power back, he/she is having no fun. (In the case of having children with one, it is sadly rarely if ever over, as the pawn is the child(ren) in the game that he leverages and uses to control you. Certainly there are things you can do to help manage through these difficulties, but it is a sad scenario indeed).

Narcissist:  The narcissist seems less aware of just how evil he/she is. They come into every relationship just blindly looking for that fuel, love, adoration, praise…the world in their mind, revolves around them…and they see no issue or challenge with that?!  They believe that they cannot live without the fuel for their ego, they can never be empty of fuel.  So in essence they need a harem, or a supply that goes broad and deep. They don’t see this as an issue. In their confused minds they are giving love, so what is the problem?  Yet, they cannot really give love…they are simply mimicking the kind of behavior that they know they must do to get their supply. If you relinquish some of your devotion, lessen their supply or show the slightest inkling that you are questioning their superior self…you are being moved to the discard pile. Thou shall not question thy King! Then BOOM gone, UNLESS, the new chosen one fails to comply, then he will return with his/her “love” and charm…and attempt to lure you back in, and if he/she is successful, your pain will be twice as bad as you recover from yet another discard.

The search for devoted souls never ends for them, and you are always in play, unless he/she knows there is nothing for them from you anymore. The lack of evidence of evil that virtually does not appear in any meaningful way until the end is near, is what I feel makes the discard so shocking and unbearable. This is like the death of a loved one in a sudden car crash—no preparation time to prepare for the loss, all you loved is just gone and it is devastating. There were little to no signs it might end until the end was nearly upon you, whereas with sociopathy, you know there is trouble, you experience his/her hate, you just keep hoping beyond hope it will all resolve and you will get that love back you once felt. This is why I say recovery from narcissistic “love” is so difficult, because you can’t go back and see the evil like we can with sociopathy, so you just feel you screwed up, somehow it was your fault, it had to be, nothing else makes sense. But hear me; it wasn’t your fault.

The narcissist fades away when he/she can no longer get your attention, adoration, love—supply.  As I said he/she may return, and he/she will expect his/her ample dose of supply. Whenever he/she returns, once a week, once a month, once a year, he/she expects your full cooperation and anticipates you will devote yourself completely. Once there is a full release, although devastating…it at least allows for no contact, which you need in order to recover and yet you will not want to have no contact.

Both of these relationships are addictive in that you want more of what you know you should not have. And neither of these individuals truly LOVE anything. They are incapable of love.  YOU must embrace that to move forward.

 Considerations and a Metaphor to Exemplify the Differences

Remember both traits can exist in one individual. Most of us have some narcissistic traits, wanting validation, attention, to be adored, loved…but it is the willingness to give that to others in true unconditional form that distinguishes us from “them.”  A sociopath, instead just wants control…the rest is unimportant, no matter how important they may delude you into believing anything else is, controlling you is all that matters.

Know that this psychopathy does not discriminate; perpetrator and victim can be either gender.

A dear friend of mine gave me a metaphor of a narcissist and sociopath in the water. I expounded on it and believe this metaphor depicts the experience in each type of relationship reasonably well:

Imagine being in the water…

If you are with a sociopath: He has little doubt that he can swim, but all that really matters to him is that you too are in the water. In every moment he is calculating, how can I manipulate or harm this person so I can win whatever contrived game I have conjured in my head. As a result, he will take pleasure in pretending he can’t swim, at which time you will swim to rescue him, as you have so many times before. He will of course, pull you under, because he can. You decide he is just panicking, and try harder to save him. But he is not pulling you under because he is panicking, no, he is just pulling you under because he can. He does not concern himself as to whether or not you can breathe, or whether or not you are okay, he is just purely taking pleasure in manipulating you into helping him, watching how hard you are trying to save him, and in the end, if he is standing on your head and you are underwater, he won.  That simple.  Later, he will tell you how he was panicked, he is so sorry, how he never meant to harm you. And it will never happen again.  He may even express a fleeting second of gratitude, coupled with how if you were really trying to save him you would have done a better job.

So my advice is, if you are with a sociopath, and he screams for help in the water…from a distance say “I know you can do it honey!  I hope you pull this off!”  And you know what?  He easily will, and then he will tell the story of his/her near death experience and how you idly watched him suffer.  And knowing you didn’t respond to his/her performance demanding assistance, he will now know you just aren’t going to be as much fun anymore. So he will raise the stakes, try harder to garner a reaction from you.  Note that the less you save him, the freer you will become. Once you are empowered to not rescue him, you are positioned to find your way out. A sociopath is more aware than a narcissist of the harm he causes. A sociopath is just focused on winning, defined by controlling you in whatever way he decides.

If you are with a narcissist: He believes he cannot swim and cannot learn to swim without someone else to help him. He feels he needs someone else for his/her survival.  So seeing you in the water, he will naturally start climbing up you to get to the source, air, but he is not doing this to harm you. He really isn’t even paying attention to you. He is just thinking about himself, his/her survival and getting to the surface. He sees you there and says there she is, there is my means of getting my source of air!  I am so grateful to be in the water with this person/object. What would I do without this person/object? Oh they are so beautiful to me right now. And we of course are happy to help him get to the surface. He is not trying to drown us, he is just taking himself to the surface in the only manner he sees that will work. The hard part about being in the water with a narcissist is given his/her mask seldom slips you can’t even imagine abandoning him…so you save the love of your life. You devote every ounce of energy you have to this effort. Now you can hardly breath, you are exhausted…you have nothing left to give. You are no longer focused on him you are catching your breath to recover, so he is done with you.  No supply = No value.

The narcissist is more self deluded. He doesn’t get that he is evil. He can’t accept that because acknowledging that would destroy him in his mind. Actually, it might begin to set him free, if only he could accept the truth of his nature.

The most important thing to remember is that either way YOU are ultimately going to drown. Don’t get in the water…and if you are in the water, swim to safety without him/her.

In the end, the label means nothing.  What matters, is your peace, well being and happiness.

Copyright 2014 by Diana Iannarone

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Posted by: dianaiannarone | January 22, 2014

After the Discard: The Other Woman

A good rendition of the truth!

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Being discarded by a Narcissist is one of the most painful experiences victims endure…well, after the heart-wrenching devalue phase.  It’s like icing on an insidious, poisonous cake for which only Narcissists hold the recipe.

The Discard

After being discarded, you believe it’s your fault.  You obsess over whether you could have done things differently.  You languish over your abuser, brooding over whether there’s a chance to win him back and prove your worth.

That’s precisely what he wants.

You see, while he was preening the new supply behind your back, he was busy telling you (and everyone within a 50-mile radius) everything that’s wrong with you and your place in the demise of the relationship.  He wants you to believe you are the one who drove him into the arms of another woman.  And that’s what victims believe.  Every time.

Narcissists need you to think the problems in the relationship…

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Posted by: dianaiannarone | January 16, 2014

Beware of Internet Predators

How do we avoid going from one devastating situation to another? We need to begin by trusting ourselves. If you look back across your life, isn’t it true that in almost all instances there was an inner knowing directing us, an inner knowing we often chose to ignore? This becomes increasingly important, especially when you are accessing the internet…a place where massive predation can occur.

How many stories have you heard about people finding internet love, only to be taken for thousands of dollars? The internet is the source of wondrous benefit, but also it can deceive us, as it is so easy for cowards to hide behind the screen. Predators that fabricate any image they wish…with the goal of self fulfillment and your destruction.

Narcissistic and sociopathic abuse, one of the most insidious evils impacting our world today…and yet it is a largely hidden truth, hiding because so few are wanting to accept that this level of deception and harm exists right in our own back yard. As most of you know, the prevalence of this abuse is stunning.
And when you are a victim of such evil by these charismatic charmers, often you are not believed, often your own family turns away from you, questioning why you would leave such a golden person, or even if those around you saw the truth, you still often feel lost and alone. Not knowing where to turn, you turn to the internet…you seek help…you try and find anything that can speak to your pain, anything that helps you feel understood…anything. You begin to find sites where the words you hear are is if someone has stepped inside your heart and saw your pain. You feel comforted, yet even through your devastation you must keep your awareness about you—some sites are operated by the very evil that brought you there, Narcissists. They have created their playground rampant with victims, raw from their pain and therefore more susceptible, just the way these unconscionable beings like it. This is not being discussed to raise your fear, instead it is being discussed to remind you of your own inner awareness…

True sites educate you, share of themselves and their stories. They do not reach out to YOU for YOU to help them, and if they do, let that RED FLAG be raised. When we are awakening to the truth of what has happened to us, trying to wrap our heart and mind around the truth that people that told us they loved us, harmed us in immeasurable ways; we need support, comfort and understanding, not to be giving more of what we really no longer have.
Of course most of us want to help change the world, heal others, yet it should be on our terms, when we are ready, no one should be asking anything of us when we are looking to find our own strength. To use our pain to help others, is noble, but it must be prompted by our inner knowing, our heart telling us to help others we may see in pain…no one should be pulling us toward that goal and if a site or person is, take it as a warning. They just may have their own purposes in mind; to get close to you, to leverage you, to use you.

We are so accustomed to giving of ourselves, that it can feel like an honor to be asked to help…but remember that when you are first awakening to the truth about sociopathic and narcissistic abuse, you need time to heal, time to absorb and time to strengthen and no one should be demanding anything from you and you should never be banned for respectfully sharing your thoughts and views. Banning is a form of abuse. Banning is an act of control, and one that has devastated many and is a clear RED FLAG the site has an agenda that does not allow freedom and truth. You should feel safe in a healing place to be precisely where you are as long as you are not harming others. Your thoughts and views expressing your inner truth should be embraced.

To already feel alone, unaccepted, confused and then to be banned, often without explanation, is another devastation that we are too quiet about. Don’t suffer in silence with your pain, don’t decide it is no big deal, or you should be tougher. Allow yourself to express your pain freely and let others embrace you in your truth…never feel shame for the actions of another person. Stand in your power!

We are so quick to minimize our pain, become desensitized to our own hurt…let us not lose our vulnerability, it is our illusion of invulnerability that causes us to hide our pain, suck it up, be strong…instead, find the true safe havens that exist, and open yourself up to fully feel, release and heal in the comfort of caring people…trust your knowing. ~Diana Iannarone

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Posted by: dianaiannarone | January 15, 2014

No One Completes You

Jerry McGuire simply had it wrong. The truth is no one completes you. So much of our suffering is brought about on a quest for love, all the while denying it to ourselves. We so often believe that we are not quite good enough, and so we sacrifice ourselves in an effort to find love.

The truth is, how we treat ourselves is our testimony to the world of how we should be treated. We teach others how to treat us…so if you sacrifice yourself, harm yourself, talk down to yourself, neglect your needs, what can you expect from another?

So the key to a happy life is simple. Create one. Begin by taking exquisite care of you, loving yourself fully, do for others, but do not harm yourself. Care about the needs of others, but do not neglect your own. If you are not making yourself a priority, don’t expect others too!

The quality of your life has always been up to you once you were no longer a child. Choose Love!

Excerpt from my book, Me and My Shadow:

When there is genuine love, peace exists. If your life has seemed devoid of these feelings of peace, devoid of nurturing or validation, you are looking in the wrong places to discover it. Seeking wholeness outside of yourself leads to destruction. Don’t beg for these cherished emotions; find them in yourself. Then, unite with someone who genuinely and freely offers them. Embrace all of yourself and be free. No one completes you, you are complete.

 

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Posted by: dianaiannarone | January 15, 2014

The Power of Observation vs Assumption

In our daily life it is so easy to hear words, or see a behavior and make an assumption. When we make an assumption, in essence we are drawing a conclusion, however, this does not make our conclusion accurate. Yet, the more vested we get in that conclusion the more evidence may seem to appear in alignment with that conclusion. It is easy to build a picture around the beliefs you have already decided.

What if instead we simply observed. We simply observed the behaviors and words of those around us, without making an assumption. Would more be revealed? Would we then be able to see the truth instead of what we may have been inclined to assume?

Certainly assessing conflict between the words we hear and the actions we see is wise, I call this disconnect an incongruence. Yet how quickly do we decide what the truth is? We all know actions speak louder than words, every time…yet are their times we draw conclusions because of our assumptions rather than seeing what is truly occurring?

It has been my experience that since adopting a more go with the flow and trust perspective on life that my life has exponentially expanded and created experiences I would have otherwise missed. When something seems off or incongruent, meaning something doesn’t line up, words and actions seem to be in conflict, I observe, I do not confront. I have no fear of confrontation, but how often do we do so when we are incorrect? As I observe an incongruence, I consider the various potential truths and draw no conclusion…and then I wait for more to be revealed.

This single decision has allowed me to see the many ways that in the past, I had likely sabotaged my own joy. I am grateful to have broken this pattern, heightening my experience of Living Free.

In my book I address this concept in several ways, here is one such rendition:

“As the observer, rather than the controller, you are able to more readily see who someone really is, not who you imagine them to be, or who they tell you they are. From the position of observer it is like you are gathering information in a barrel. Think of it like rain. Each drop of rain that drops in the barrel accumulates with the rain already in the barrel. Eventually, the rain will overflow the barrel, and you will be Awake.”

Awake means, seeing the truth before you…allowing you to have more clarity on which steps to take as you move forward. Be the observer, and await as things are revealed to you.

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Posted by: dianaiannarone | January 10, 2014

A Prayer for Those Diagnosing the Narcissist

A Prayer for Those Diagnosing the Narcissist.

 

This is absolutely fantastic…and true…Amen

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Posted by: dianaiannarone | December 6, 2013

Beware the narcissistic sociopath disguised as your “Soul Mate”

Beware the narcissistic sociopath disguised as your “Soul Mate”.

 

Good stuff! They all really ultimately look alike!

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Posted by: dianaiannarone | November 30, 2013

If You Bow Down Gracefully, You May Lose Your Head!

We must be warriors for awareness and change. The prevalence of narcissistic and sociopathic encounters are growing rampant in our society and I hope we can all unite to secure our ability to stand in our power and defeat them. We must be courageous and shine the flashlight on the evil and deception these individuals utilize to cause destruction of our world and our hearts. Armed with knowledge and strength, together we will change the world.

“I’d take a bullet for you!” He would so often say. I realize now of course if ever put to that test, I would far more likely be the shield than the protected. The sociopath and the narcissist alike paint a very noble picture of themselves. They intimate that they would never harm, they state convincingly that they always intend to do the right thing. They share with us painful pieces of the injustice in their life. They portray that in spite of their nobility, somehow it seems that time after time they get betrayed. This is intended to pull on our heart strings. While we are asleep, which is the term I use to define being willing to accept their lies as truth, we wish to aid these seemingly unfortunate souls. They are indeed self-described protectors of all they “claim” to love. “I will stand to protect you always, even at my own peril!” And, the illusion of safety is craftily devised…

They may share with you stories of their dark past, before they became changed by awareness;  or God. They often use spirituality or religion as the power that enlightened them to their truth and stepped them on their quest to be a better man or woman. This is all part of the allure to hook you. Stories of redemption and hope.

While asleep, there are times we sort of scrunch our brows together as we hear their words, their reactions and responses to others when they feel they are being mistreated by them and we say to ourselves, well that doesn’t seem a very noble response does it? Then we justify away the fleeting, yet glaring truth; the glimpse of their evil that we just witnessed. We excuse it away under the concept of believing they feel injured, they are merely defending themselves or reacting to harm. Duly note however, that when there is conflict, they do not address these things in an adult manner as we would. Rather than seek to understand and ask questions…they attack with a vengeance. The more devious and insidious reactions you witness, the more you begin to see the truth…yet we often allow ourselves to believe we are the chosen one.  By this I mean we tell ourselves that they treat those people that way, they would do that to THEM, but never to us. And of course if it does happen to us, they are so good at blaming that we somehow accept our role in what transpired and we begin to believe we must have deserved it. When that mask slips, when you see the unkindness bestowed on others or yourself, they are showing you the truth of their capacity for evil; believe them.

Remember too that these individuals have no true competency to feel emotions as we do. So when they hear the emotions or see the emotions of others they are merely observing;  seeking to learn how it is done so they can utilize this power, so they can mimic that pattern they observed when it suits them.  I have also discovered through experience that sociopaths and narcissists have a sort of naive play, a presence of innocence.  They set the stage about how noble they are and then act like they don’t understand the cruelty of others…why would they be cruel to me?  I have always been good to others, why would someone harm me?  I have only tried to help others, why do they betray me? And we believe. We believe because in many cases it has been OUR truth, we have devotedly given and we are just saddened that they have been so mistreated.

They may even act confused, “why do these people respond this way?” “Why do they judge me like that?”  And we are so often the infinite teachers and nurturers, we teach, explain, comfort, like one might with a small child. We help them see meaning in behaviors, deepening their power and strength against us.  Beware of their proclaimed innocence to their comprehension of the cruelty and judgment of the world, as it may simply be them denying their own truth. We so often choose to educate them how to imitate feelings, portray compassion, act in a manner that shows reverence, honor, love…we must fully acknowledge the truth, they do not truly experience these emotions, not do they wish to. They appear to absorb this guidance for one reason, they always only have one reason…never for any other reason…purely, solely and completely, to get what they want or need from us.

This naive play they employ can be in many facets, in love or in business, so how do we often respond? We share our intellectual capital, our advice, we offer our wisdom to help them.  We also often open our check book, or offer our connections, or business know-how.  Those of us that are targeted for this type of abuse have high self-confidence, that is what makes us a valued target.  Our knowledge and strength is what drew them to us, knowing we would deliver our full value. They knew, what we didn’t recognize, and that was that our low self-esteem blinds us to the truth of them. We do not see the fullness of our worth as an individual.  We see our “doings” as our power, rather than ourselves. And so we love or give to the point of sacrifice, hoping beyond hope to receive the depth of love or appreciation, so we will know we are worthy.

They are devoid of any true depth, and anything  you experience to the contrary is an illusion.  For narcissists, this illusion is depicted to leverage others into giving them praise for their greatness and the incessant compassion they long for. For sociopaths it is to take something from you, control you, your money, your assets, even your pets…and most horridly, your children.

Their childlike innocence, this seeming lack of understanding is a ploy, and we often see it as part of their charm.  We must awaken!  An adult does not need basic emotions explained. Normal functioning adults know cause and effect. They so often claim to have had a lifetime of abuse and yet they assert that they do not understand emotions, reactions, behaviors. This may very well mean one thing, they are devoid of emotion, devoid of conscience.  A sociopath and a narcissist alike never genuinely take accountability for any harm they may have caused. Trying to hold them accountable is like trying to nail Jello to a tree. They always slip away…leaving us thinking it must be us. We targets are highly accountable individuals and are therefore always willing to consider it is the error of our ways that need to be addressed…until we WAKE UP!

To Wake up is to snap out of the delusion they have convinced us to believe. When we snap awake, the truth is painfully revealed.  It is incomprehensible to us that we ever could have missed such blatant deception.  We must remind ourselves though that deception was their plan. Our plan, was Love or business success and all actions were grounded in kindness and integrity. We must be willing to look within and really listen to that inner knowing. It is there, it always is there, yet we tend to disregard that knowing in favor of what we want to believe, what we desperately want to be the truth. Instead, we deny that knowing for the hope of the dream…the dream they calculatingly manifested in our mind and our heart so deeply that we refuse to see anything else.  And how did they do that?  They listened, they heard, and began painting beautiful imagery with every brush stroke…a work of art that they themselves simply had to hide behind so the truth of their deviance would not be detected by us.

Can you hear their words?  ” No one has ever loved me like this.”  “No one has ever made me a priority like this.”  “No one has every supported me like this.” Thankfully now as I hear these words I am more apt to respond with this ill feeling in my stomach…and say to myself (or even aloud), perhaps there is a reason! 

Restoration of our self-esteem changes our vibration in such a way that we become a mismatch for these unconscionable individuals, rather than a magnet pulling them toward us.

Once we are restored to our wholeness we know that as they define all the betrayal, as they speak of the poor character of those they have been in relationship with, that it is themselves in the mirror that they see.  We then realize these individuals objectify people, they do not know how to genuinely honor another, no matter what they may mimic or reflect to the contrary.  People, sadly, are unwitting pawns in a game of their life.  These predators cannot see into the heart and soul of another, they can only see the “use” of this object. Yes, until we are awake to our own worthiness and then able to see the truth, we are susceptible to be used as a mere object, nothing more. We must not delude ourselves into reaching through to find any other conclusion.  We cannot persuade them to be different in any real terms.

In the case of a sociopath, they will simply hide the parts of themselves that you tell them you do not wish to see. They hide the parts of themselves that will cause you to leave so that they can keep you in the game and control you.

A narcissist does not thrive on control in the same manner, they instead thrive on the strokes to their ego, their lifeblood.  And, when they decide they are not receiving the full dose they need for their survival, they will likely just discard you, after selecting a new person to fuel their ego from those left waiting in the wings, on reserve, for this moment.

While “asleep” or deluded to the truth before us, we want to be kind and loving to those that have been harmed, it is our nobility that traps us. The key is to be Awake in our nobility.  Know when to use our heart, our wisdom, our soul…and when to use our cunning…even perhaps our sword, the sword of power that was always within us if we would simply be willing to use it.

Our truth telling loving character is beautiful, yet, if you want to get free from a sociopath or narcissist,  you are simply going to have to learn to temper this. Learn how to say what is necessary, yes, EVEN if it is not precisely true!  And less is more…the more you divulge, the more you load their arsenal with which they plan to attack you.

So what ignites the evil to become more visible to us? Their attack patterns are not precisely the same.

It has been my experience that the sociopath attacks when they think you are finding your freedom, your independence, and they try to bring you back under their control.  When their attacks fail, they recalculate. Most often, they now come in with charm, claiming some proclamation of failure that they persuasively swear they will remedy, for good this time.

The narcissist, attacks when they believe they have been questioned, when you push back on something they have stated, or you withdraw some of your devoted attention. Thy King shall never be questioned and shall always be adored. Thy King is never wrong…now you mere servant, get back to work.  Honor me or it shall be off with your head! To honor me, you must raise me up, you must see my uniqueness and cherish it.  You must also prove yourself worthy of the continuation of my love by explaining your unacceptable behavior… and remember, “I would NEVER harm the sanctity of Love, or betray you and I demand the same from you.” The hidden words following that statement that shant ever be revealed are…unless you dare to observe anything short of greatness in me.

From the beginning, if we could just remember we deserve nothing but Love. That when our gut is prompting us that something is wrong, we must trust it.  Trust that knowing. Don’t let the “picture” of the dream blind you from the truth of the delusional journey you can easily embark on, but not easily recover from—once you are jolted into seeing their cruelty as real. We must all AWAKEN…and STAND.  And lest we never forget, the label of sociopath, narcissist, psychopath is not what matters, the quality of your life does. If it hurts, destroys, disempowers or minimizes us, we must begin to move away from it. We must remind ourselves of our power and sound mind. We must remind ourselves to remain grounded in our intellect, our knowing of their behaviors and patterns and begin our escape.  For each scenario that you question the proficiency of your mind, know that was their intention, to have you lose faith in your knowing and your abilities.  Instead remember, your life with them caused you to have sane reactions to insane situations; not the other way around.  We must do what we can to recapture our freedom and never let go of it again.  We deserve to be surrounded in only Love, and we know the difference.  Trust that knowing.  Always.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-and-Kindle

 

 

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Posted by: dianaiannarone | November 26, 2013

Narcissist or Sociopath?

My experience through life has been a pattern of choosing sociopaths, time and time again…then a seven year reprieve.  Now I can add narcissist to my repertoire of knowledge.  I think I pretty much grouped them together as if they were one in the same.  Granted there is overlap…but from my perspective the game is played quite differently between a sociopath and a narcissist, which is how I managed to almost be deceived again, only this time I was aware and observant and allowed for the possibility that it was all a lie.  THIS makes it much less painful, but painful nonetheless. This difference is measurable and can get you a bit off guard if you don’t consider the stark difference.

To me the biggest red flag for a sociopath is their incongruence and their meanness.  What they say and do seldom matches and in some ways it is really obvious.   We can see them do cruel things when they tout wanting to be a “better man,” or a “Godly man,” and we find ourselves questioning it, but having no understanding of cruelty because we ourselves would not be cruel…we choose to excuse away their appalling behavior-as we must just be confused.  Things must be different than what we thought we heard, or saw, or experienced. They are happy to support the idea that we are confused. We believe there must  be something wrong with us because we couldn’t bear to think someone we loved was this evil..and we do think we love them.  As most know, they are indeed charismatic, or as I prefer to say, charming, and that is what charms us under their spell…literally.  A spell that enables us to have mercy for them, sorrow for them, devote ourselves to them, we so want to save them from their suffering, after all they want to be better men or women as it were. Kind of a premise that I have the best of intentions but I always screw up…

Narcissist?  Not precisely the same..

Although they are both charismatic, both really good at playing the victim, the poor person that has never been loved, or always been betrayed…who only longs for true love…there is what seems like a BIG VARIANCE…

The sociopath only has the goal of winning, as does the narcissist.  The sociopath however, wins by controlling you.  That is it…getting you to do what they want you to do, whether it has any big win in it or not for them. Controlling you is win enough. In fact they don’t even care if it hurts them (given they don’t have real feelings like you and I)…they only care it hurts you in the worst possible way.  For example they can bring you to financial ruin by getting you to support them financially, sign loans, lend them money, invest in their “business” and then bankrupt you…which of course means you have  nothing left to give them…but it was worth it to them, just to see you lose all that you have, because they could do it!  It is the victory of control. They fake crisis and situations so you will run to their rescue…time after time…just to see you run.  When you stop being controlled, you become boring to them and that MAY lead them to look for someone else.  BUT sociopaths are not quick to let go, they are very persistent.  In fact, in the early stages while they are trying to hook you, you feel so important, all the attention they bestow upon you…but once you are hooked, their behavior changes as you are hooked now, so they need not keep up the act, in fact they may begin to  treat you like trash and you ask yourself, where is that person who loved me so?  Nowhere.  They didn’t exist in the first place…however,  if they think you are leaving, then they fuel up the charm again, no one is leaving THEM.  THEY decide when it is over…

Narcissists on the other hand does  not wish to control you simply for their joy and pleasure like a sociopath, no, no, no…it is so they can LIVE.  And it is not control, it is ATTENTION.  They NEED the world to revolve around them.  They NEED to be the most important thing in your life…and you must agree with them, support them, celebrate them OR you will be cast aside, be dead to them, discarded so quickly you won’t even know what happened!  Yet, these creatures are so good at setting the trap that we will easily fall into, that we think to ourselves, they told me I needed to not cross this line and I did, this is all my fault!

They both blame us, but this too is different.  With a sociopath, they have us feeling at fault, but we really don’t understand why we feel it is our fault.  We hear them blaming us, but we are confused, we don’t understand…but with a narcissist, we see what we did wrong…we see how we failed.

For example:

A sociopath might over react to you speaking to someone of the opposite sex.  You think, wow, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was just talking.  But they will claim to have seen far more than that, so you start to think, God, was I flirting?  God I feel really stupid…these thoughts enter your mind if you are person asleep which is the term I use to represent our inability to see the truth of this manipulation. Their goal was simply to control you.  To have you feel bad about yourself and start stiffening up your boundaries, walking more in line, all this for the joy of being controlled by this jerk.

A narcissist, talks about Love as if it is sacred and then lets you know right up front the boundaries that can never be crossed.  You mustn’t insult them, as they would not insult you…or so they tell you.  So you are on this tight rope hoping you never cross this CONDITION, they have put on their love.  However, it is ill defined just enough so that they can choose to say you crossed that boundary whenever it suits them…and they do it pretty early on…WHY?

So they can see how devoted you are to begging for Mercy, saying how sorry you are and that you had no idea that would hurt and you have learned your lesson…and ask that they give you another chance…and they will indeed.

And as long as you spend all your days in worship of the nobility (ha ha ha) of this man or woman, you are in the most amazing beauty and wonder you can imagine.  So it’s easy, you just have to exhaust yourself worshiping them, supporting them in whatever venture they have…tell them how talented, beautiful, amazing they are and believe in their outrageous dreams of being a super hero, world famous….the best there is and it is love forever!

Of course your life span will be pretty short giving up all that air!!!!  No one can sustain this for long.

While you can be devoted, YOU feel so honored, so loved…and like you are the biggest priority.  Well of course you are the priority, they are NOTHING without you…but unlike a sociopath, they can discard you without a second thought as long as they have someone else willing to blow more air in their lungs, stroke their breakable ego…then, one wrong move, and you are dead to them.  They never look back…unless, they need air and can’t get it anywhere else.

When a narcissist feels you pulling away…he goes to those in the backup plan that have been waiting and being groomed to be up next…the harem if you will.  And don’t worry there are plenty…all thinking they might have a shot at this charismatic lover who has been hurt so much before…

The sociopath only lets you go on their terms.  Your pulling away makes them seek you more, because they will RARELY let you leave because YOU want to…at least not easily.  YOU can escape a sociopath when he can’t control you anymore.  When you release your fear…when you realize you are the POWER…you were chosen because you are powerful and confident, but YOU didn’t know it…that is how they leverage you.  They get you to use your power for THEM…never applying it to you, until you WAKE UP!  Then, it takes courage, but you have the power and intellect to escape them.  You do.

Sadly, don’t we want to offer support, and praises to the people we Love?  Don’t we want to support their dreams?  Of course we do…so how do you make the distinction?  Actually it is not that hard…

Sociopath:

When they are calling you and constantly touching base, they are not loving you, they are hunting you.

            A healthy relationship does not require your whereabouts be disclosed every moment and instead trusts.

When you see an incongruence between their words and actions, believe their actions every time.

            If he/she holds you to a different standard than himself…RUN.  For example they feel they can violate your privacy, check your phone messages email, ask for an accounting of each moment but it is made clear whether subtly or directly, you do NOT dare question their whereabouts or goings on-if you feel like you are under scrutiny…get out.

There is an expression by Dolly Parton  “The first time some one shows you their true colors, believe them.”

When the mask falls off and their violent/aggressive/critical words and actions show…know that they can only hide that for a short period, who they are is who they are.  Don’t be fooled by remorseful tears. If you would NEVER do what you just saw them do, know that is because it is cruelty…let them go before the hook is too deep.

 Narcissists

They often want you to pursue them!  This is because they only want someone that will give them everything they need.  SO they don’t hunt, as much as choose.  They choose you…lure you in, but then leave the rest up to you.  If you don’t come through, they try the next person in waiting.  If you do come through though, wow, you will get the love of a lifetime…for awhile anyway.

Pay close attention to ME, MY…I.  WOW, those words are core to their vernacular!

            Don’t get me wrong, they make you feel like you are everything to them, because you in fact ARE!  They can’t breathe without the air you give them…pay attention though, when they are saying how important you are…do they really celebrate YOUR life, or what it gives to THEM!

            They do this so well it is really hard to tell…just pull back some attention and watch as they back off, they are shopping for your replacement.

Then of course…you could be unfortunate enough to have someone who has traits of BOTH.  Just know if you feel bad or wrong often, are praying for things to be like they used to be, or feeling like you are losing your mind…start thinking about getting out of the relationship!  It doesn’t matter what the label is, narcissist or sociopath. What matters is we deserve healthy loving relationships and we must have the courage to move away from anything in contrast! Educate yourself.

Consider buying my book Me and My Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom where I take you on my journey through pain to triumph.

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Posted in Abuse, fear, Finding Peace, Freedom, Living Free, Love, Narcissism, Relationships, Self-esteem, sociopathy, spirituality, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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