Posted by: dianaiannarone | November 30, 2013

If You Bow Down Gracefully, You May Lose Your Head!

We must be warriors for awareness and change. The prevalence of narcissistic and sociopathic encounters are growing rampant in our society and I hope we can all unite to secure our ability to stand in our power and defeat them. We must be courageous and shine the flashlight on the evil and deception these individuals utilize to cause destruction of our world and our hearts. Armed with knowledge and strength, together we will change the world.

“I’d take a bullet for you!” He would so often say. I realize now of course if ever put to that test, I would far more likely be the shield than the protected. The sociopath and the narcissist alike paint a very noble picture of themselves. They intimate that they would never harm, they state convincingly that they always intend to do the right thing. They share with us painful pieces of the injustice in their life. They portray that in spite of their nobility, somehow it seems that time after time they get betrayed. This is intended to pull on our heart strings. While we are asleep, which is the term I use to define being willing to accept their lies as truth, we wish to aid these seemingly unfortunate souls. They are indeed self-described protectors of all they “claim” to love. “I will stand to protect you always, even at my own peril!” And, the illusion of safety is craftily devised…

They may share with you stories of their dark past, before they became changed by awareness;  or God. They often use spirituality or religion as the power that enlightened them to their truth and stepped them on their quest to be a better man or woman. This is all part of the allure to hook you. Stories of redemption and hope.

While asleep, there are times we sort of scrunch our brows together as we hear their words, their reactions and responses to others when they feel they are being mistreated by them and we say to ourselves, well that doesn’t seem a very noble response does it? Then we justify away the fleeting, yet glaring truth; the glimpse of their evil that we just witnessed. We excuse it away under the concept of believing they feel injured, they are merely defending themselves or reacting to harm. Duly note however, that when there is conflict, they do not address these things in an adult manner as we would. Rather than seek to understand and ask questions…they attack with a vengeance. The more devious and insidious reactions you witness, the more you begin to see the truth…yet we often allow ourselves to believe we are the chosen one.  By this I mean we tell ourselves that they treat those people that way, they would do that to THEM, but never to us. And of course if it does happen to us, they are so good at blaming that we somehow accept our role in what transpired and we begin to believe we must have deserved it. When that mask slips, when you see the unkindness bestowed on others or yourself, they are showing you the truth of their capacity for evil; believe them.

Remember too that these individuals have no true competency to feel emotions as we do. So when they hear the emotions or see the emotions of others they are merely observing;  seeking to learn how it is done so they can utilize this power, so they can mimic that pattern they observed when it suits them.  I have also discovered through experience that sociopaths and narcissists have a sort of naive play, a presence of innocence.  They set the stage about how noble they are and then act like they don’t understand the cruelty of others…why would they be cruel to me?  I have always been good to others, why would someone harm me?  I have only tried to help others, why do they betray me? And we believe. We believe because in many cases it has been OUR truth, we have devotedly given and we are just saddened that they have been so mistreated.

They may even act confused, “why do these people respond this way?” “Why do they judge me like that?”  And we are so often the infinite teachers and nurturers, we teach, explain, comfort, like one might with a small child. We help them see meaning in behaviors, deepening their power and strength against us.  Beware of their proclaimed innocence to their comprehension of the cruelty and judgment of the world, as it may simply be them denying their own truth. We so often choose to educate them how to imitate feelings, portray compassion, act in a manner that shows reverence, honor, love…we must fully acknowledge the truth, they do not truly experience these emotions, not do they wish to. They appear to absorb this guidance for one reason, they always only have one reason…never for any other reason…purely, solely and completely, to get what they want or need from us.

This naive play they employ can be in many facets, in love or in business, so how do we often respond? We share our intellectual capital, our advice, we offer our wisdom to help them.  We also often open our check book, or offer our connections, or business know-how.  Those of us that are targeted for this type of abuse have high self-confidence, that is what makes us a valued target.  Our knowledge and strength is what drew them to us, knowing we would deliver our full value. They knew, what we didn’t recognize, and that was that our low self-esteem blinds us to the truth of them. We do not see the fullness of our worth as an individual.  We see our “doings” as our power, rather than ourselves. And so we love or give to the point of sacrifice, hoping beyond hope to receive the depth of love or appreciation, so we will know we are worthy.

They are devoid of any true depth, and anything  you experience to the contrary is an illusion.  For narcissists, this illusion is depicted to leverage others into giving them praise for their greatness and the incessant compassion they long for. For sociopaths it is to take something from you, control you, your money, your assets, even your pets…and most horridly, your children.

Their childlike innocence, this seeming lack of understanding is a ploy, and we often see it as part of their charm.  We must awaken!  An adult does not need basic emotions explained. Normal functioning adults know cause and effect. They so often claim to have had a lifetime of abuse and yet they assert that they do not understand emotions, reactions, behaviors. This may very well mean one thing, they are devoid of emotion, devoid of conscience.  A sociopath and a narcissist alike never genuinely take accountability for any harm they may have caused. Trying to hold them accountable is like trying to nail Jello to a tree. They always slip away…leaving us thinking it must be us. We targets are highly accountable individuals and are therefore always willing to consider it is the error of our ways that need to be addressed…until we WAKE UP!

To Wake up is to snap out of the delusion they have convinced us to believe. When we snap awake, the truth is painfully revealed.  It is incomprehensible to us that we ever could have missed such blatant deception.  We must remind ourselves though that deception was their plan. Our plan, was Love or business success and all actions were grounded in kindness and integrity. We must be willing to look within and really listen to that inner knowing. It is there, it always is there, yet we tend to disregard that knowing in favor of what we want to believe, what we desperately want to be the truth. Instead, we deny that knowing for the hope of the dream…the dream they calculatingly manifested in our mind and our heart so deeply that we refuse to see anything else.  And how did they do that?  They listened, they heard, and began painting beautiful imagery with every brush stroke…a work of art that they themselves simply had to hide behind so the truth of their deviance would not be detected by us.

Can you hear their words?  ” No one has ever loved me like this.”  “No one has ever made me a priority like this.”  “No one has every supported me like this.” Thankfully now as I hear these words I am more apt to respond with this ill feeling in my stomach…and say to myself (or even aloud), perhaps there is a reason! 

Restoration of our self-esteem changes our vibration in such a way that we become a mismatch for these unconscionable individuals, rather than a magnet pulling them toward us.

Once we are restored to our wholeness we know that as they define all the betrayal, as they speak of the poor character of those they have been in relationship with, that it is themselves in the mirror that they see.  We then realize these individuals objectify people, they do not know how to genuinely honor another, no matter what they may mimic or reflect to the contrary.  People, sadly, are unwitting pawns in a game of their life.  These predators cannot see into the heart and soul of another, they can only see the “use” of this object. Yes, until we are awake to our own worthiness and then able to see the truth, we are susceptible to be used as a mere object, nothing more. We must not delude ourselves into reaching through to find any other conclusion.  We cannot persuade them to be different in any real terms.

In the case of a sociopath, they will simply hide the parts of themselves that you tell them you do not wish to see. They hide the parts of themselves that will cause you to leave so that they can keep you in the game and control you.

A narcissist does not thrive on control in the same manner, they instead thrive on the strokes to their ego, their lifeblood.  And, when they decide they are not receiving the full dose they need for their survival, they will likely just discard you, after selecting a new person to fuel their ego from those left waiting in the wings, on reserve, for this moment.

While “asleep” or deluded to the truth before us, we want to be kind and loving to those that have been harmed, it is our nobility that traps us. The key is to be Awake in our nobility.  Know when to use our heart, our wisdom, our soul…and when to use our cunning…even perhaps our sword, the sword of power that was always within us if we would simply be willing to use it.

Our truth telling loving character is beautiful, yet, if you want to get free from a sociopath or narcissist,  you are simply going to have to learn to temper this. Learn how to say what is necessary, yes, EVEN if it is not precisely true!  And less is more…the more you divulge, the more you load their arsenal with which they plan to attack you.

So what ignites the evil to become more visible to us? Their attack patterns are not precisely the same.

It has been my experience that the sociopath attacks when they think you are finding your freedom, your independence, and they try to bring you back under their control.  When their attacks fail, they recalculate. Most often, they now come in with charm, claiming some proclamation of failure that they persuasively swear they will remedy, for good this time.

The narcissist, attacks when they believe they have been questioned, when you push back on something they have stated, or you withdraw some of your devoted attention. Thy King shall never be questioned and shall always be adored. Thy King is never wrong…now you mere servant, get back to work.  Honor me or it shall be off with your head! To honor me, you must raise me up, you must see my uniqueness and cherish it.  You must also prove yourself worthy of the continuation of my love by explaining your unacceptable behavior… and remember, “I would NEVER harm the sanctity of Love, or betray you and I demand the same from you.” The hidden words following that statement that shant ever be revealed are…unless you dare to observe anything short of greatness in me.

From the beginning, if we could just remember we deserve nothing but Love. That when our gut is prompting us that something is wrong, we must trust it.  Trust that knowing. Don’t let the “picture” of the dream blind you from the truth of the delusional journey you can easily embark on, but not easily recover from—once you are jolted into seeing their cruelty as real. We must all AWAKEN…and STAND.  And lest we never forget, the label of sociopath, narcissist, psychopath is not what matters, the quality of your life does. If it hurts, destroys, disempowers or minimizes us, we must begin to move away from it. We must remind ourselves of our power and sound mind. We must remind ourselves to remain grounded in our intellect, our knowing of their behaviors and patterns and begin our escape.  For each scenario that you question the proficiency of your mind, know that was their intention, to have you lose faith in your knowing and your abilities.  Instead remember, your life with them caused you to have sane reactions to insane situations; not the other way around.  We must do what we can to recapture our freedom and never let go of it again.  We deserve to be surrounded in only Love, and we know the difference.  Trust that knowing.  Always.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

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