diana iannarone

Excerpt from my book, Me and My Shadow.  Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.  For more information on how to live free click here http://tinyurl.com/book-or-kindle

“Abuse comes in many shapes and sizes. It can be dramatically obtuse or discreetly calculating. All forms of abuse are more readily visible when you decide to observe the truths about your life. Most of us are allowing abuse in one form or another. Often the cruelest of these abusers is us, in how we treat ourselves or what we allow into our lives. I ask that you stand back and take a broad view to investigate where there may be incongruence between what is for your highest, greatest good, and the true circumstances of your life. Reexamine every aspect of your existence. My guess is you will find somewhere you are asleep, somewhere that deception has control.

Once Awake, incongruence will be immediately recognizable. You will acknowledge your lack of peace…and know. Taking action to resolve that condition becomes natural. You will unquestionably understand you are worth it.

Author, Don Miguel Ruiz suggests that we will only accept from other people the level of abuse we are willing to give ourselves. That single thought resonated deeply through me many years ago and I now realize why. I was my worst abuser for allowing such horrific treatment of myself by others. Our threshold of pain is based purely on what we are willing to accept in our treatment of ourselves. It is only once that threshold is exceeded, we are willing to attempt to stand. What I have learned is as you release all the abusers in your world, and you can, you may realize the one abuser that might linger longest is you.

It may surprise you to learn that once you Wake Up to the whole picture of your life, Stand Up and then make the challenging decision to have patience in your healing, you will easily move to gratitude and love and have the joyful experience of Living Free. However, you cannot jump to this destination; you have to journey there.

Acknowledging that we have allowed ourselves to adhere to a belief system other than our own is an important step. The more you are aware of your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs, the less those outside of you can manipulate you into believing anything that violates those thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

It is our fear of something bad happening, our fear of shame and the resulting need to control that causes that tight rope, that restrictive environment where we carefully focus on each step for fear of falling. That focus, and our lack of self-awareness, causes us to build the prison that contains us. We deny our freedom to feel, which numbs us. It is in honoring our freedom to feel and acknowledging those feelings that we gain awareness, not only of ourselves, but of others. Awareness enables us to experience freedom from manipulation. This is not to say you cannot be influenced. This is to say that you will only be influenced by those who you allow to influence you. This has always been true, but now you will be aware of what you are allowing. If the influence is not in alignment with your goals, or your values, you can choose to ignore the influence.

What if the very thing you are trying to avoid comes to fruition because of your desire to control? We tend to attract those things that we focus on, and what could possibly require more focus than attempting to control those things that are out of our hands? The more you try to control people and situations, the more out of control they become. Sometimes the tipping of the applecart brings great awareness and strength. Sometimes letting things fall leads to a new understanding. Remember the jigsaw puzzle? Any attempt to hold another’s “piece” for them is an attempt to control.

How many other instances are there that we attempt to control? We strive to control because we fear the potential outcomes. There are two potential outcomes that we tend to fear, but they are really one in the same. The first is an outcome resulting in the loss of a tangible object we are attached to (money, possessions, a person, or even a lifestyle). The second is an outcome resulting in our own shame. Guilt triggers us; we worry something bad will happen, so we act to avoid shame. This one may be slightly harder to grasp than the loss of a tangible object. It is often seen when we attempt to control a person or situation. To provide an illustration, perhaps we are attempting to “change” our significant other. This person is abusive, but we know that we can help. As stated earlier, it is our soul purpose. But perhaps there is something other than our kind heart keeping us in the relationship, perhaps there is fear. We must change him or her to avoid the shame of failure, the shame of being unable to fix them. The shame of another failed relationship. When we fear loss of something tangible, the fear feels different, but it is still rooted in shame. The shame of how we will be perceived without the people or possessions that define us. In each of these instances, this fear tends to manifest itself in the form of worry. “I am worried about my marriage” or “I am worried about the economy.” These “worries” are merely fear in disguise. It is by releasing control that we release the fear, and thus the worry associated with it. The only thing we can control is ourselves, and while we cannot allow others to manipulate and abuse us, we must allow life to happen. Life is going to happen either way, but the joy in life is found by relinquishing control.

We saw this shame once before, as a child, when we were taught to ignore our own perception of right and wrong. When we are violated as children we experience this shame and as we have discussed, it shapes our beliefs. It is our fault. We caused this. We so readily own this sense of humiliation. We are bad and we mustn’t speak this to anyone. If we share our experiences with anyone, something terrible will happen. Isn’t that what we were told? Aren’t we told that if we speak this experience or feeling to anyone, something terrible will happen? And we believe authority. As a child it is our only conceivable option. We know we need that authority for our survival. We don’t want to lose them physically and we fear their rejection or abandonment. We adapt our behaviors to become someone they will love. Many of us have a difficult time letting go of those feelings of guilt and the resulting fear of further shame. We remain asleep, imprisoned.

Holding your own piece and only your own piece is key to waking up. Stop trying to control those around you. As we progress together on this journey, you will see how as we each hold our own “piece” our collective power will create the world we all desire—one filled with peace and love. In this space we will have the strength to help those that truly need our help.

Now I know some of you may be thinking that if I knew the details of your situation it would explain to me how you are the exception to this idea of freedom or peace. You may believe that if I only knew your situation, I would understand what an impossible task holding only your own piece is for you. Maybe you are helping an aging parent or a sick spouse, and in those instances you may be doing what is necessary. Remember, there is a difference between assisting and attempting to control. I am not saying you should never carry someone’s piece in circumstances that might warrant it. I am saying, be aware. Look for intention. Look for what is real. Evaluate the truth about the life of this person, and observe what they are willing to do to help themselves. You cannot help others if in the process you are sacrificing and destroying yourself. Are you paying attention to you? Are you paying attention to your health, your well being? And if you are not, before long resentment will step in as you exhaust yourself from giving when you have nothing left to give, and then anger and then destruction of the love that led to the support. Soon there will be negative physical outcomes for you. If the support you offer to those around you stems from guilt and not from love then the resentment will appear faster. Offering assistance out of guilt is another form of control to avoid shame, the shame of being a “bad daughter,” “bad wife,” “bad son,” or “bad employee.” The fear of shame is released when we are aware of, and at peace with, ourselves. Self-esteem is the antidote of shame. To reclaim our self-esteem we must begin to honor ourselves and our feelings.”