Posted by: dianaiannarone | July 9, 2014

It Shall be Restored and Valued More for its Beauty

It shall be restored final2

Being free from the abuse, all I could see was that every noble cause and purpose I thought my life was based on was an illusion. I lived, at many levels, in a fantasy world, and now all the characters that I fantasized would bring love and family to my life were evaporated. In reality, they never existed.

How do you pick up the pieces and move on?

I not only didn’t know how to take care of myself, I didn’t want to. It was like sitting in a hole in the ruins of my life; a deep hole. I could even see there was a rope hanging down the center of that hole. I remember seeing that imaginary rope, but being unable or unwilling to reach for it. I would not climb. I had been climbing my whole life only to discover I never really left the hole. Given that, it seemed wiser and easier and logical to just sit there. No more throwing ropes, no more reaching for ropes. I will just sit. I was exhausted, and I was devastated. I had worked so hard only to find myself alone. Even though I wanted to be free of the abuse, I had forgotten that without the abuse I would truly be alone.

At the time, I recall being discouraged that recovery wasn’t feeling like the easy part. I felt I had gotten free and now it should be easy. However, I had to see and feel the devastation I had so carefully ignored and denied. That part wasn’t easy.

Thankfully, I would come to understand that compared to the hell I had already lived, this would actually be the easy part, although it didn’t seem so at first. It is the easy part because now no one else is controlling you, no one else is beating you down, and no one else is manipulating you. Now, though, you have to contend with the person who caused you the most pain, the most suffering, the worst abuser of all—You.

Yes, the worst abuser of all was who I was left to contend with. A great healer and friend coined a term for my behavior: “self-sociopath.” By self-sociopath, he was suggesting that I continually caused or allowed harm to be bestowed on me, without feeling the need to make it stop. Even at moments when I would decide to stop the abuse, and believed I should stop the abuse, I would go out and repeat the same pattern again. Not this time. I had finally broken the pattern. The “self-sociopath,” was now Awake.

I felt these words were the right words today. They were an excerpt from my book Me and My Shadow, Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom, and I want to affirm it is possible, it is possible to climb out of that hole no matter how insurmountable it may feel. I talk to people everyday just sitting in the space those words describe. And I know that it is so easy to believe there is no way out…that hole is too deep, we are too tired, but sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to sit in that hole and acknowledge that it is the best we can do today, that we have nothing more to offer, and that is okay. While we sit, we have to allow ourselves to feel, we mustn’t resist experiencing our pain. As we release our emotions and embrace our suffering with love, we strengthen ourselves.

I remember when I was in that hole I was reading “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert, trying to soothe my aching soul. And as I read, in my numbness, in my weakness, in my inability to climb…I read these words:

“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing…”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

And at that moment, I suddenly realized, I was grieving, I was grieving the loss of the dream. It is so hard to wake up to the truth about the delusion we allowed.  But the alternative is to stay in it…giving your heart and soul, the fullness of yourself into an empty hole of another that can never be restored…instead sit quietly in the hole that is the depths of your despair, and soon you will climb out…and be wiser, stronger, and far more aware.

While you sit, unable to climb, there will be people who will yell down that hole…some will tell you to get up, that you are taking too long, that you should have climbed out already. Some may even ridicule or talk behind your back about how dramatic you are being or how you should have recovered from this “little incident,” one that they of course have never endured, or they would know, they would understand. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, someone, jumps down into that hole with you. They may have nothing to say…they may just hold you, or perhaps say something that touches your soul and reminds you that your timing is perfect and they love as you are. If you are lucky enough to have that gift, then your strength to find your way up that rope may be quicker, but you do not need that to make it, you need you. You need to remember that you have the power within you to change your life. You have the power within you to stand against adversity because you have, time and time again. And once you restore your brokenness, you will arise with a new awareness, a recognition that all the while, all your life, all you really had to do, was trust that knowing, trust that small voice and then use what was once your dormant power, to Stand.

As Gavin DeBecker says in The Gift of Fear:

 ” ‘No’ is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you…  Declining to hear “no” is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it.”

Five years ago, when I stepped out of the hole for good, I learned the power of the word NO…and I live to inspire all people to do the same.  Just like in the draught my eight foot deep lagoon, looked like nothing but a hole, a barren place where there was no life, in time it was restored to its wondrous beauty with abundant life. WE are responsible for the quality of our life and the way in which we love and live, and no one defines us, no one controls us, and no one can diminish us, unless we allow it. And once we realize this, once we get this, we truly begin to Live Freely.

In that regard, this Rascal Flatts video seemed a perfect message to accompany my words today. We mustn’t resolve to the idea that someone else must “stand by” us, although we all long for and love that…sometimes, we just have “stand by” ourselves. We can be our own hero  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWykYq_Z13w

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

If this strikes a chord with you, consider buying my book:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

On Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/Book-Kindle-D-Iannarone

The thoughts in this blog are my opinion. I am neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. To learn more about my work go to http://www.standingup.us

This is my Mission: 

Partner with people to relinquish their chaos and confusion in exchange for clarity and resolution from whatever crisis they find themselves in. 

I do not give legal advice, nor do I use legal principles to apply to your circumstances. Instead I focus on how to empower you to communicate and use proper positioning to win through influential and concise communications.

 

 


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  1. […] It Shall be Restored and Valued More for its Beauty. […]


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