Posted by: dianaiannarone | November 3, 2014

Why Do I Keep Choosing Sociopaths?

BLOG IMAGe shadow

No you are not cursed. You are simply ignoring parts of you. Our propensity for an external focus leads us to offer compassion. We see someone who seems to have had a tough break and a “loving heart” and we want to make them all better. We want to fix it. But because we ignore our shadow-selves, we simply are completely unable to see the evil, manipulations and cruelty that others are bestowing upon us. We see signs occasionally but then we jump into the standard behavior of excusing it away. And of course, the perpetrator of such cruelty is happy to help us along in our devotion to remaining asleep. Remaining asleep keeps us unaware of the truth of our circumstances.

There are many ways this can play out.

We might say to ourselves that this person has just had such a hard time in life, they are lost and confused and they do not mean to be mean. Or they may tell us that, while they feign an apology, “they just got carried away” or “didn’t mean it.” Once we are an adult, we are responsible for our behavior. Do not let anyone use their childhood as the excuse to be cruel to you! If they are in such need of healing, why is it that they seldom take matters into their own hands to seek help? Instead, we do all the work, trying to help them heal. If you are exhausted, you are likely doing it wrong! Start turning inward and get to know the rest of you. Then you will be free.

So the truth is, we can’t see their deception or “evil capacity” because WE will not acknowledge our own. We would never lie, would never harm, would never intentionally hurt another, and therefore we don’t recognize it when it is being bestowed upon us.

This CAN and MUST be remedied. And all one must do, is go within.  We must get inside ourselves and realize that ALL HUMANS have the capacity for evil. There are no exceptions. AND it is NOT evil to protect ourselves it is necessary. Yet, until we awaken, we choose to keep tolerating the intolerable, believing things will change, believing that our “partner” wants to be better…do better…but guess what?  They don’t, they won’t and until YOU CHANGE, what you are experiencing now is what will be experiencing until you get out.

Here are a few excerpts from Me and My Shadow to address this topic:

You may wonder why we are so quick to excuse the cruelty, evil-doings or even simply the meanness of others. This is because we ourselves are unwilling to see our own capacity for evil. We do not even like the word. We shudder to think we could possibly have such a capacity and, as a result, we deny it in ourselves and we deny it in others, even as this truth is displayed boldly before us. We have disowned our capacity for evil long ago, perhaps with no conscious awareness. We close our eyes to it. We deny this capacity that is inherent in every human. Yes, every human has the capacity for evil, even us, and even those we love.

Our rejection of our capacity for evil or our “shadow side,” means we are not willing to embrace all of who we are, and in doing so we remain fragmented and not whole. You cannot disown any parts of yourself and be whole and complete. Until we embrace our own capacity for evil, we deny evil when we see it in others. How can we recognize that which we refuse to see?

To achieve wholeness we must be awakened to and accept all parts of ourselves, even those parts of ourselves that we view as imperfect. We will always be an imperfect species. While on our unconscious quest for wholeness, we begin to painfully and unwittingly seek that which we deny in ourselves. We seek to find the missing pieces of ourselves in another.

The fact that we have the capacity for evil or harm does not make us evil. If you prefer, think of it as your dark side, or your shadow; the part of you where the light is hidden from. You would not do evil. It is your sense of ethics that keeps you from acting in evil ways, however, that does not nullify the reality that you have the capacity. You cannot awaken until you embrace this truth. All humans have the capacity. To start, consider this; have you ever had an evil thought? Something that you considered but you would never do? Perhaps you have even acted on it. Perhaps you have lied, or manipulated, or stolen. These are all acts of the shadow, but these mere acts do not make you an evil person.

Once you embrace this capacity it may very well give you a lifeline. There are lifelines available for you that would seem unreasonable to grab while you are asleep. In fact, while asleep, you are not even able to see the lifeline. Part of awakening is accepting this side of you, the shadow side. You cannot arrive at your freedom without it…

If we only live in the innocence, the goodness side of our capacity, and we are unaware of our dark side, then we have an imbalance. This imbalance makes us more susceptible to have evil befall us because we are blind to the potential to fall prey to evildoers. We are unarmed and unarmored and have an unwillingness to truly protect ourselves.

If you ignore your capacity for evil as I did, it just may show up in some monumental way. In my case, it showed up in my tendency to draw into my life people operating from what I call the “shadow side” or “dark side”. Whatever label you give to these people is unimportant, what is important to grasp is that they embrace the capacity that we ignore, the capacity for evil—the side of them that justifies doing harm. I was unaware that I was inviting them in as part of an unconscious effort to find my wholeness, seeking the parts of me I had rejected. The parts of me I had disowned.

To acknowledge and embrace your dark side does not mean you operate from it. It means you accept its significance and no longer need to seek it outside of yourself. Those that operate from the shadow have rejected the light of their innocence. To be safe from them we must ignite and embrace our shadow side, not to do harm, but to protect first ourselves and then others from harm. We must stop concluding that protecting ourselves by placing boundaries for our safety makes us mean. We must eliminate the perceived challenge of using the word “no” as a strong and nonnegotiable word to honor ourselves.

The quality of your life is up to you. Change. Find the power within, and  your pattern will forever be broken. The shadow isn’t just about capacity for evil, it is instead about all parts of us we do not want to accept. And until we do, we will keep inviting in things and people into our life that will not serve us. Once you know all parts of you, there is no need for the mirror, as you already see everything that is you, and therefore will see the truth in others as well. To be free, simply embrace, the fullness that is you.

Copyright © 2014 by Diana Iannarone

Redthorn Solutions LLC
Your Partner For Conflict and Crisis Resolution
All Partnering done via phone or Internet

If this content strikes a chord with you, consider buying Diana’s story which was written to serve as a guide to freedom:

Me and My Shadow

Move from Fear and Control to Love and Freedom.

 On Amazon:

Diana, founder of Redthorn Solutions LLC is neither a medical professional nor a lawyer. The thoughts in this blog are opinion only. To learn more about our work go to

Our Mission: 

To partner with you to exchange your chaos and confusion for clarity and resolution in whatever crisis you find yourself in. 


  1. I have a question. I understand your blog. However I feel for most of my abusive relationship I was stuck in the middle and I wanted to know if you could talk about that. See, I could see that the man I was with was a manipulator and a liar, yet I made excuses and justified each betrayal in some way. However, I didn’t have a problem telling lies to him to avoid a conflict. So I guess that means since I was willing and able to lie that I recognized my capacity for evil, correct? For example, if a guy called me and I knew it would upset my then boyfriend I would whole heartedly deny that a guy called me when questioned. I remember trying to SHOW this man that he was a manipulator and say things like “you left to go out with your friends as soon as I got here then you got mad at me for falling asleep,” sometimes he would humor me and give me a fake apology but I knew he was full of shit. So I recognized his capacity for evil. But why did I stay?

    • You were telling a lie for protection not harm, so you are right, that shows you were awake to do what you needed to do on some levels to protect yourself, but the other observation would be that if you have to lie to be safe in the relationship, at some level you were afraid of his reaction. FEAR and LOVE can’t operate together at the same time. At least not fear of what someone might do. We can in fact be addicted to these type of relationships. Drawn to them even though we know it is not good for us. So if you know that you are forced to lie to stay in relationship…ask yourself if it feels like an addiction, something you want, but it is not serving you. Then do the work from the inside out and you will be able to release that which does not serve you.

  2. Yes.

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